Should you really care WHAT other people think of you or IF people are thinking about you? Are you allowing these persons whose opinions matter so much to you, to essentially run your life?
If you are enmeshed in these thoughts, you are neglecting your authentic voice. Your authentic voice knows what the next right step should be, even though your authentic voice can’t predict how your life is going to turn out, it tends to have a strong hunch of what you should do next.
Add research to this
Why do I want the approval of others? Researchers from University College London and Aarhus University in Denmark in 2010 verified that our brains light up under a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scan when we know our opinions are shared by others or join others in liking similar things. These glowing brains then secrete a reward, a feel-good neuro-chemical, and bam! We get neuro-chemical reinforcement telling us it is good to share similar thoughts and things. People like you if you share their point of view, if you copy their style of dress, have the same socio-economic status, religion, etc. Soon we are addicted to these feel-good-mental-states-of-liking. Liking the same music, being a fan of the same sports team or being in the “cool” group. This drug is so addictive that most people will not give it up. They keep looking for approval, acceptance and like-minded individuals because the hit is so intense. But just like any other drug or addiction, there is a price to pay. The price is worrying about what people think and being inauthentic to our inner voice.
Are people thinking about me?
No.
The truth is: no one really thinks about you as much as you think they do. They don’t care that much about you or what you are doing. People are highly self-absorbed. They really only care about themselves. Whatever you want to do, just do it. Because the truth is, no one really is thinking about what you are doing.
We really fear that people are speaking “ill” of us. In the 12-step rooms, FEAR is an acronym for Frustration, Ego, Anxiety and Resentment. Is fear the reason that you are so worried about what people think of you? Like Elsa says in Disney’s Frozen movie…”Let it go!”
People that judge others, like to hang out with like-minded, gossipy, judgmental people. Do you really want to hang out with people who judge and gossip? The fact they engage in gossiping conveys that they think they are in a “better than” or “one-up” position. In reality, they have a frightened inner child and self-esteem issues.
Do you really care about people who derive pleasure from another person’s misfortune? The German language has a word for this: schadenfreude. These behaviors are sure signs of high anxiety. Plus, these people are really boring to hang out with. I am sure you would rather be doing anything else (can you hear your authentic voice talking?).
Gossipy, judgmental people have low self-esteem. People have low self-esteem because they were criticized in childhood. Sometimes abusively and chronically. Okay, I feel badly for many of us. However, who we thought we were in our formative years is not who we are as adults. (You might have noticed I placed myself in this category.) We were defenseless 5-, 7- or 10-year-olds. Today we are adults with distinct advantages available to us to improve and overcome our issues from the past.
Conclusions
- Get to know your authentic voice (AV)
- Identify the times in the past when you were guided by your authentic voice, listened to your authentic voice, and how well things turned out. When things turn out well, you get a neuro-chemical hit!
- Is AV a moral voice? (yes)
- Is AV a compassionate voice? (yes)
- Is AV a voice that has your best interest in mind? (yes)
- Re-read the segment on are people always thinking about me? Can you hear your authentic voice respond?
- Make a conscious decision to stop obsessively thinking about what other people might think of you — limit the time you dwell on these thoughts
- Did you answer any of these suggestions with a statement that started with “But?”
- If so, try to delete the statement after the word “But.” While you are at it delete “But” from your vocabulary
- Are you hearing anything from your gut (your gut is the residence of your authentic voice)?
Maybe you might want to contemplate that. Reflect on what your authentic voice is or what it has been telling you in the past. Try to identify the tenor, tone or inflection of its voice. You can do this in the comfort of your La-Z-Boy chair, on your yoga mat or during a walk in the woods. Meditating is a way of asking your authentic voice a question, intuition is hearing its response. Either way you’ve got to figure out what actually matters to you and start caring what you think about you.
References used in this blog:
Tim Urban, Taming the Mammoth: Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think, Wait but Why blog, http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming-mammoth-let-peoples-opinions-run-life.html
Fredric Neuman, MD (2013), Caring what other people think, Psychology Today, Jan 23, 2013, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201306/caring-what-other-people-think
Tiffany O’Callaghan (2010) The Brain Science behind why we care what others think, Time Magazine, June 17, 2010, http://healthland.time.com/2010/06/17/the-brain-science-behind-why-we-care-what-others-think/
Michael Miles, Why you shouldn’t care about what others think about you, (2008) Pick the Brain, blog, Nov 28, 2008, http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/why-you-shouldnt-care-what-others-think-about-you/
