I am working with a client who is struggling in his recovery. He is having trouble being emotionally mature in heated conversations with his live-in girlfriend. I discussed with my client how he acts when he is in an argument.
My client would like to believe that he is a mature, rational, 40-year-old adult, but if he is honest, if we all are honest with ourselves, we’ve all have some emotional immaturity within us.
The truth of the matter is that we can act like adults in our relationships or we can act like we’re 6-years-old.
When one partner shows emotional immaturity, the other one follows suit, often without much hesitation. Then the entire discussion fails. Perhaps we are triggered by a feeling of being less than, or of rejection or abandonment. In a flash we become the 6-year-old that was that was reprimanded by their older sister, the 9-year-old who wasn’t selected for the baseball team, or the 12-year-old seeing their aunts and uncles fight at Thanksgiving dinner.
As a coach, I like to differentiate between the emotional maturities of the 6-, 9- or the 12-year-old, as compared with the maturity of the forty-year-old. When we begin to mature, our childlike behavior no longer reaps the same reward and we are forced to act more maturely.
A 6-year-old is very limited in their list of options of how to handle a situation. They were learning as they go, finding out what works and what doesn’t. As adults, we have choices and options that a 6-year-old didn’t. Before you react to something, ask yourself this: Do I want to be 6, 9 or 12 – or do I want to be 40? A true adult gets to choose!
Let me illustrate the difference. . .
| Immature | Mature |
| I snap at my partner because I feel irritation. | I recognize that I am irritable and why, so I calmly let my partner know how I feel and what I need to help me feel better. |
| I hold something that bothers me inside until I blow up at my partner. I hold something in until it comes out sideways. | I tell my partner as soon as I am aware that something is bothering me so we can calmly discuss it. |
| I call my partner names and belittle them when we are arguing. I point fingers, invade my partner’s space and raise my voice | I realize that name-calling and belittling does not help the situation and I can voice what is really bothering me instead. I recognize my body language, keep my hands at my sides, lower my voice and keep my distance. |
| I stuff my feelings down or lie to my partner because I am afraid it will start a fight or they will reprimand me | I am honest with my partner because I am emotionally prepared for their reaction. |
| I act on my sense of urgency to fight with my partner, knowing that I am right, reactive and emotionally activated. | I recognize that I am reactive and I force myself to wait until I feel more stable to discuss it with my partner. I never respond immediately to something when I am angry, even if my partner insists. |
| I am defensive, hurt and argumentative when my partner complains about something I am doing. | I recognize that my I am not perfect; I say I am human, I can make mistakes. I expect that sometimes my partner will have comments about my actions or behavior. |
| When my partner complains about me, I remind them that they have done the same thing or they did something that bothered me in the past. (pointing the finger, deflection or cross-complaining) | I hear that my partner is bothered by something and I validate their feelings. Any complaints I may have about them can be brought up another time. |
I showed my client this chart and asked how he reacted to the most recent blow-up with his girlfriend. He identified several immature characteristics in these columns that he used in the recent exchange. How many characteristics did he use, did this number of immature responses overwhelm the number of mature responses? Then we talked about what the mature responses would be.
Immediately, he said this was a good chart and he was going to show her this chart to tell her about how she was also immature in this past discussion. I suggested he not to do this, saying that a mature partner need not shame his partner, even if it is under the guise of using a learning tool. It would be more important for him to practice having mature adult responses to future, potentially explosive situations, so the temperature of the next conversation does not rise. Then his girlfriend will see and emulate his mature behavior in future dialogues.
Using correct tools of engagement in heated discussions was never taught in our families or at school. We learned how to argue and fight from our parents, family members or friends. At forty, it is time for my client to approach a heated conversation as a forty-year-old and not a 12-year-old.
