This week’s guest blogger is Catherine Townsend-Lyon, an author, blogger and marketing guru. Catherine lives in Arizona and is a recovering gambling addict. For the next four weeks, Catherine will feature segments of her book “Addicted to Dimes” in this blog.
“Sometimes we have to see on paper everything gambling addiction has taken from us.”
The Early Years – Just another Ordinary Day
I awoke to another cold and rainy morning in Southern Oregon to find my husband had already left for work. I saw the newspaper on the kitchen counter. I grabbed a cup of coffee, sat down and began to read. I came across a small headline that read, “Woman found dead in motel room.” The story was about a local woman who was in her late 50s. She was found dead in a motel next to a large Indian casino, about 40 miles north of where I live. I’d been to that casino many, many times. I started to get this sick feeling. The woman’s name was withheld until they could notify her family. She was found on the floor with a gunshot wound to the head. Police said it looked like a suicide. They found a note on a table that simply read, “I couldn’t stop gambling. Please tell my family I’m sorry.” The police did rule her death a suicide.
Just then, I said a prayer for this woman’s soul, and for her family. Even though I never met her, I could have been her. I knew what torment and pain she felt before she died. I felt as though hands were grasping my throat and that someone had taken a sharp knife and pierced it right through my heart. See, I too had been an addicted gambler up until about four and a half years ago, so I understood the hopelessness that woman must have felt. I too experienced the pain of feeling like the only option you have left is to commit suicide. Needless to say, both of my attempts failed, which landed me in the hospital … twice, then into a mental and addictions crisis center … twice. It was a turbulent four years. I’d been on suicide watch both times, because I was so low and broken from the addiction. I just wanted to die. Why? To find some peace. Reading this article got me thinking of those dark years of emotional torment and very disturbed thinking.
I finished reading the story and I had tears in my eyes. I started thinking about the hell I went through, so I couldn’t help but grab the box that I had in my closet of gambling addiction books, my journals, and all the educational materials I’d received from the countless times I’d tried to stop my gambling addiction. I’d been in and out of treatment groups and counseling so many times. I attended 12-step support groups, therapy, even church, for more than eight years. Recovery is not an easy thing.
As I finished the article about this nameless woman, I wiped the tears from my eyes. I was so inspired by this woman’s story. It gave me a “call to action,” to write this book, but not knowing it would become published at the time. I have gained so much knowledge through treatment programs, 12-step support groups, and listening to others talk about their gambling addictions and experiences. My own story of journal entries are relied upon daily. They remind me of the horrific times I had with my addiction. They keep me from ever getting too complacent with this devastating illness. I thought, ”Why not put all of this in a book, to share with others what I’d been through, so other people out there who may have a problem with gambling, who feel lost, alone or hopeless, can know they are not alone?” No one should ever have to choose death over their own sanity. Many people aren’t aware that compulsive gambling addiction has the highest suicide rate.
I started reading through my many journals I had written in. It’s a form of therapy, which I’d learned in my treatment programs. All the pain came rushing back, while reading some of the “dark entries, from when I was in the crisis center. I also was slapped in the face with the reality of what I’d done to others in my addiction, especially what I’d put my husband of 22 years through. There were two things that stood out to me right away, when I first tried to attain recovery. The first was how I got so hung up on just wanting to be “normal” again. The second was just how powerless this addiction makes you feel – the true loss of control over your gambling, once you cross the line into uncontrolled compulsive gambling.
I hope you enjoyed reading the first few sections of Catherine’s book, Addicted to Dimes. The series will continue for the next three weeks. We know in recovery that we turn to addiction for many reasons, and that we can recover without knowing the reasons why we walked down such a dark path. And sometimes, we discover some of the underlying issues of why the addiction sucked us in.
Author, Catherine Townsend-Lyon lives in Arizona writes a blog on her web site: https://catherinelyonaddictedtodimes.wordpress.com/author/kitcat4459/
And works with other authors on marketing their books at:
https://anAuthorandWriterinProgress.wordpress.com
You can Email her at: LyonMedia@aol.com
